Sunday 3 March 2013

Poly Means Many: Inching towards what’s right for you

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

When it comes to relationships, people have a lot of options. Confronted by the dazzling array of styles (open relationships, sexual non-exclusivity, polyamory, solo polyamory, polyfidelity, monogamy, the list goes on), how do you know which is right for you?

If I tried to answer that question a few years ago, I’d probably have said that it depended on the circumstances, as well as the people involved, their characteristics and limits. And the pragmatist in me would still agree with that. In fact, the bumps that came with learning to be polyamorous have shown me the importance of staying grounded in reality. For example, everybody needs to be genuinely happy with a relationship structure. If a new structure makes someone uncomfortable, you enter it at your peril.

Also, I have a theory that many people have a blueprint in their head for what an ideal structure might look like. This is not like the plan for a house; it’s flexible; it changes; and sometimes, it’s even a bit unrealistic. It can start as a daydream. Someone told me recently that they weren’t sure what being poly would be like, but one thing’s for sure, there would be a big group of friends, and they would all sleep with one another. Someone else grew up imagining that, when they grew up, they would live with both a husband and a wife.

I think it can be helpful to remember our earliest ideas about what the ideal relationship option would be like. I don’t mean our earliest ideas about relationships, I’m talking about when we first learned there was a choice. The gradual dawning that, damn, I could actually live in a big house with chosen family. Or I could actually have all the sex that I want, in the way that I want it.

My blueprint was cheesy, like all blueprints are. It wasn’t very developed, there wasn’t an image - it was just a phrase, and it wasn’t even very clear. It was something like I could be surrounded by love. And that’s how  I felt, when I first found myself with two girlfriends, coming home from a date with a wonderful person to someone else who I also loved. I felt very lucky to have that amount of love.

A second theory I have: these blueprints tell us a lot more about ourselves than might be apparent at first. It’s obvious to me now that my blueprint was really about security. I grew up in a very safe environment, with parents whose relationship was kept almost artificially stable, in a small town. My world consisted of the school down the road, the sweet shop around the corner, the countryside, my home, and a small number of people who weren’t going anywhere. Other people might trace their blueprint back to a different origin.

I think it’s very hard for people to go against what is right for them, even if at the same time we are allowing ourselves freedom to experiment. For example, I’ve been wondering recently why I don’t seem to do casual sex. I mean, I live in a very permissive culture - it feels like all my friends are doing it! Wouldn’t I be more uninhibited, more free, more happy, if I joined in? But this goes against my blueprint. Sex usually means a relationship for me, and relationships need to be enduring if I’m going to flourish.

Another example: around half of my metamours have been people I’ve found it easy to be around. They are people who can see me when I’m not my best, who I can spend time with in silence, who I can be in the same room with and ignore, just like my family. The other half I’ve respected hugely, but for some reason that can be hard to pin down, I just haven’t been at ease with them. And I’ve found it very hard to make those situations work, because it’s not in my blueprint. My partner’s relationships need to make me feel safe, just like my own need to.

Probably, “blueprint” isn’t the best choice of word. Our brains are very plastic, and we can change ourselves radically. We can learn new things and head in new directions. In fact, we can will ourselves to change, if we have the time to do it. But there are some things that change slowly, or which we don’t want to alter - basic needs that we have that need to be attended to. Very often, I think, the exciting thing about polyamory (or whatever structure you choose) is that it can mean those basic needs can be met more fully and in abundance.

Sometimes we have to adapt. We grow up and realise that we are still not allowed to marry more than one person. Or our attitudes towards gender and sexuality and relationships change, so that our initial daydreams seem less relevant, or we get new ones. I’m not suggesting that we should be stuck in the past. But, if we are not careful, the daily negotiations and challenges that are a part of making relationships work can mean we forget what we were originally aiming for in the first place. Worse still, they leave us feeling jaded. Being surrounded by can easily become being surrounded.

It is such as shame to feel like things are not possible, because there are so many options. Poly communities are full of people changing the world in the places where they have most power to affect - their own lives. There’s an art in making it work, and it involves being realistic about where you are now, respecting boundaries, and inching forward towards the place you want to be. It’s an art of the possible. It takes time to make work properly, fully. But it helps to remember the day dreams you had in the first place.

1 comment:

  1. It's interesting you mention the daydreams: when I'd originally drafted my post for this month, I had a paragraph in about my childhood fantasies which were all incredibly poly in nature, and how I'd suppressed them thinking it was just silly.

    I'm glad you talked about this so eloquently: try as I might, I couldn't get that paragraph to fit, but you've covered exactly what I was trying to get at perfectly!

    ReplyDelete