Poly Means Many: Dealing with bad things and kittens

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

Jealousy, insecurity and mistrust are Bad Things, but at least they can be helpful. The key, I’ve found, is to name them quickly and prevent them from turning into Very Bad Things, like hurt, trauma, and the feeling you get when good relationships are falling apart at the seams.

When I feel jealous, I want to be able to say that I’m feeling that way and not be judged for it. These feelings are often looked down upon, or considered unacceptable, but they are part of the package and they come with me, from time to time.

Often the best response is to name these feelings, but avoid the temptation to dissect them straightaway. My “bad” feelings are like frightened animals, and they need to be coaxed out slowly. The focus should be on building a safe space where they can be heard.

I’ve noticed that, if one person in a relationship is feeling jealous or insecure, chances are the other person(s) feels terrible too. It can be hard to hear that your partner is jealous about someone else you are seeing, when that other person is making you happy. It’s easy to feel guilty, defensive, or maybe a bit resentful as a result.

Very Bad Things can happen when people ignore each other for too long, and cross boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. But they can also happen when there is too much talking, when one person’s jealousy triggers another person’s defensiveness, in turn making the first person feel more unsafe and more jealous.

So, returning to the analogy, my kitten was frightened and hiding under the sofa. At first, I was worried, so I jammed my head in the gap between sofa and carpet, and tried to speak reassuring words. But it freaked out. So I tried another approach, and put some milk in a bowl in the corner, retreated to the far side of the room and ignored it. The kitten came out immediately and we could talk about what had happened.

Of course people will differ, but the last few years have taught me to put my analytical brain on hold when bad things are happening, and talk less. No-one wants to feel that a happy relationship is being taken over by drama related to something external. So chill out and agree to talk about something else for a while. Go to the cinema or do whatever else makes you feel good.

Eventually, with luck, you can start talking about what happened in a comfortable and easy way.

None of this is rocket science, and it’s not unique to poly. But I think sometimes we make it extra hard on ourselves. It can be really hard to admit that you’re jealous and insecure, when surrounded by people who seem to be doing poly just fabulously.

Part of the problem (I think) is that, as a community, we don’t talk about bad things enough. But it’s understandable why we don’t - when there are multiple relationships, many people can be affected by difficult feelings like jealousy.

The flip side of the coin is that, sometimes, we are not patient enough with partners who are feeling jealous or insecure. New relationships are exciting, and it can be hard to go slowly, put them on hold or even stop them, because an existing partner is feeling wobbly or, worse, acting out.

As another one of these blogs argues, we can fall into the trap of thinking that, when one person is having a hard time, it’s “their responsibility to work through their issues.” If you’re in a serious relationship with that person, you’re in it together. These things are difficult, so be nice to each other.